Alpha zombie here... pretty tired of stupid blogs written by walking chew toys pretending to give advice about killing the undead. I'm here to set you flesh bags straight on what's what. Starting with......
The Top 5 weapons you morons think are going to save you:
and no... silly little brain warmer, not all my future posts will be in list form.
5. Chainsaw
If you went for the chainsaw you're probably around 35, played high school football, and work in an office wearing a tie and short sleaves because you think that girl down the hall thinks your ripped. You're not.
It's loud, so loud it will attract the attention of every zombie within a 5 mile radius.
It gets stuck when it hits large bones and sprays zombie blood all over open wounds, mouths, eyes, nostrils,.. yeah you catch my drift.. Either you'll be my lunch or you'll be soon joining the fastest growing club on the planet.
B. Molotov cocktails,... or.. really any fire for that matter.
Know what's more fun than chasing a zombie apocalypse survivor? Chasing him while on fire,... while you light up everything around him, watching the terror in his eyes as you chase after him like a possessed brain loving demon. I know what you're thinking... "but alpha zombie, I'm on the roof and you're on the street so you can't set me on fire." Oh yeah? What's your door made out of? Exactly...
III. Weed wacker...
I've actually seen this. We tend to avoid people who defend themselves with weed whackers because their brain content usually isn't worth the trouble of getting slapped in the face with 4 inches of cracked out wire. For some reason these people are always wearing fishing hats too... *picking tendon out of teeth*
Two. Make-Shift Spears
Yes, you walking appetizer you, that broom stick and knife combo held together by packaging tape is so completely going to pierce my skull. Because skulls are made out of paper mache right? Just like those projects you made in kindergarten. Which you obviously failed.
1. Any knife under 8 inches
"But Alpha Zombie, knives are awesome and everyone has one. It is the last ditch weapon in every survivors survival kit." Yes, the last ditch effort because it's only slightly better than using harsh language or Tae Bo (seen it). Blame it on zombie movies.
When you think of zombie, from now on I want you to think of.. wait for it.. THROWING UP. Yes, I don't know if you realized this but we smell. I mean really smell. Like, immediate uncontrollable vomit smell. Now unless you've trained to hold back the stench of a rotting corpse by rubbing maggot infested, slimy, two week old rib-eye steaks all over your face every tuesday... you'll pull out your knife.. and I'll feast on your brain while you vomit on the floor.....
As you've probably noticed, my numbering is off. I heard you comment about it while reading this post. Yes that's right.. I'm right outside your window.. waiting... keep that brain warm for me...
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