Your Favorite Comic Book Hero in a Zombie Apocalypse

#1.  WOLVERINE

When me drinky Sake... Wolverine no pop claws... (don't read into that)

Strengths: 3 claws on each hand sharper than Robert Downey Jr.'s wit, coupled with a pretty awesome stamina increasing healing factor.  

Weaknesses:  A tendency to leap into large groups of bad guys with a lack of self preservation. (See Exhibit B Below) Normally this kind of thing is awesome.  But when you're talking about a small bite from me being the difference between joining the undead or staying alive, the odds don't look so good buddy.

 Smart @$$: "But Alpha Zombie, can't Wolverine's healing factor stop the zombie plague from entering his system?" 

 AZ: No, little side dish, .... I'm afraid it can't.    

The Rundown:  He's tough, he's fearless, he's 300 lbs of muscle and unbreakable adamantium which houses one of the most difficult brains to eat on the planet.  This one's tough because when it comes to survival instincts and melee weapons, there's really no one better.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuut, and this is a big but, I'm afraid (or rather happy to say) that his fighting tactics will undoubtedly lead him to eventual tragedy.  Whether it's in the form of a few bites from yours truly, or he gets sprayed with zombie puss which happens to land on a popped zit he'll eventually turn into this:  

It's not what you think, he's on the Atkins diet.....

#2. SPIDER-MAN

Stuuuupid flying meal!!!      *Shaking Rotten Fist*

Strengths: High flying, webs swinging, no sneaky upping super hero.  Harder to catch than a telepathic spider monkey and stronger than that guy at your gym who yells while he bench presses.  Alpha Zombie no like wall crawling bug.  

Weaknesses:  He doesn't use guns which means... oh wait...

While slightly less accurate when held like a bazooka, it's still quite deadly

Weaknesses Cont'd:  Mary Jane and Aunt May.   

The Rundown: When you give him a machine gun he's pretty much in the Chuck Norris category.  I mean he's not Amazing in the offensive category, but he more than makes up for it in the quick getaways.  Consensus: One brain just isn't worth all that much effort.      

#3. The Punisher

Strengths:  Guns, explosives, and a complete disinterest in saving nearby civilians.  Offensively we're talking assault rifles, machine guns, bazookas, and that revolver with a red dot laser sight he's always using.  Defensively we've got claymores, spring guns, tiger pits, snake pits, uh.... you know... maybe those pits with sharpened bamboo sticks with poo on them.  Punji sticks!.... yes definitely those too.  

Weaknesses:  Guns and explosives work great but they are loud.  Like... REALLY loud.  Anytime a dummy uses a gun (we'll use a 9mm as an example) we're talking every single shambling undead walker within a radius of 4.68 miles away is going to hear (my zombie math is super accurate).  Explosives... forget about it.  Every zombie in the entire city is coming after you.  

The Rundown:  Long term survival based on his extensive weaponry and his solo fighting tactics.  BUT eventually he's going to use a gun in the wrong situation and get his stash houses flooded.  Eventually he's going to run out of ammo.  Eventually he's going to get overwhelmed. You all are.   

My Punisher Voodoo Doll, (made in China so you know it's legit)

Semi-Portable Guillotine

Quite possibly the dumbest zombie killing device ever invented.  Now... in all fairness this video does begin with a disclaimer that says it's a "Semi-satirical Video", which in hindsight was a great idea because now I can only call him  "Semi-retarded".. or soon to be "Semi-in my belly".  I mean seriously.... you know you're gonna prematurely fire that thing and you'll be wishing you spent more time in a Kendo class and less time on that out of control boy scout project.

This guys brain is going to taste like veal.... so fresh... so unused.... so.... delicious... .

    

Humans... the other white meat....

It's OK, they have a safe word...

It's officially time to spread some wisdom on the wonderful world of HOW TO EAT A HUMAN.  Now.. this is a subject I could spend all day on.  Me likes talking about me favorite food.  However, I'm going to keep this to just the important stuff, where the best places are to bite.  Let's get started.  

The Easiest Target

The Forearms and Fingers:  If you get close enough the first thing the fleshies say is something really ingenious like... "Get back"  or "Don't come any closer".  Use this time to close the distance and make your move.  At this point they do something really stupid like put their hands up or try to block you with a forearm. I'm pretty sure it's because they want to be eaten, we'll go with that.  Lock on to the hand/forearm and lean in.  90% of the time they'll fall back and you can have a real face to face conversation.  

The Funnest Target

The Ankles and ...er...  Other: This works better for crawlers... You know.. legs blown off by some random unknown weapon. Or maybe the brain safe jumped off a roof before turning into one of us...Who knows.  Either way there are various fun ways to hide yourself and jump out at an opportune moment.  For example: Under a parked car, in the back seat of a working car, or my personal favorite... inside a porta potty.  No... not behind the door... I mean INSIDE the porta potty... Guess where the soft spot is.....?

Most Effective Target

The Neck: (see demonstration at the top) What's the best way to get a group of so called 'Zombie Hunters' to urinate in their Superman underpants?  Sneak up behind one of them and take a good old fashioned bite out of the carotid artery.  It's not like the movies, if you hit the external artery it will take them all full 5 minutes to cap off, the internal is quicker at 2 minutes.  The internal's possible, but we're talking a serious T-Rex bite here.     

  

Have other favorites?? Let us know... 

*Classified* Bill Designed to Combat Flesh Eating *Classified*

Your leaders sure do inspire a comforting sense of protection don't they?

Everytime Rep. Haller says *Classified* insert *Zombie* and you'll get the idea.  It's actually so obvious they're trying to protect against my shambling comrades that I have to wonder why they used the word CLASSIFIED at all.  Oh well, it's not like it's going to help... In fact I look forward to using his scalp as a toothbrush... *clicking teeth*

Top 5 weapons you morons think are going to save you

Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.  *awkward pause*      Sluuuuuuurrp... ..

Alpha zombie here... pretty tired of stupid blogs written by walking chew toys pretending to give advice about killing the undead.  I'm here to set you flesh bags straight on what's what.  Starting with......

The Top 5 weapons you morons think are going to save you:

and no... silly little brain warmer, not all my future posts will be in list form.

5. Chainsaw

If you went for the chainsaw you're probably around 35, played high school football, and work in an office wearing a tie and short sleaves because you think that girl down the hall thinks your ripped. You're not.  

It's loud, so loud it will attract the attention of every zombie within a 5 mile radius.  

It gets stuck when it hits large bones and sprays zombie blood all over open wounds, mouths, eyes, nostrils,.. yeah you catch my drift.. Either you'll be my lunch or you'll be soon joining the fastest growing club on the planet.  

B. Molotov cocktails,... or.. really any fire for that matter.  

Know what's more fun than chasing a zombie apocalypse survivor?  Chasing him while on fire,... while you light up everything around him, watching the terror in his eyes as you chase after him like a possessed brain loving demon.  I know what you're thinking... "but alpha zombie, I'm on the roof and you're on the street so you can't set me on fire."  Oh yeah?  What's your door made out of?  Exactly... 

III.  Weed wacker...

I've actually seen this.  We tend to avoid people who defend themselves with weed whackers because their brain content usually isn't worth the trouble of getting slapped in the face with 4 inches of cracked out wire.  For some reason these people are always wearing fishing hats too... *picking tendon out of teeth*

Two. Make-Shift Spears

Yes, you walking appetizer you, that broom stick and knife combo held together by packaging tape is so completely going to pierce my skull.  Because skulls are made out of paper mache right?  Just like those projects you made in kindergarten. Which you obviously failed.  

1. Any knife under 8 inches

"But Alpha Zombie, knives are awesome and everyone has one.  It is the last ditch weapon in every survivors survival kit."  Yes, the last ditch effort because it's only slightly better than using harsh language or Tae Bo (seen it). Blame it on zombie movies. 

 When you think of zombie, from now on I want you to think of.. wait for it.. THROWING UP.  Yes, I don't know if you realized this but we smell.  I mean really smell.  Like, immediate uncontrollable vomit smell.  Now unless you've trained to hold back the stench of a rotting corpse by rubbing maggot infested, slimy, two week old rib-eye steaks all over your face every tuesday... you'll pull out your knife.. and I'll feast on your brain while you vomit on the floor.....      

As you've probably noticed, my numbering is off.  I heard you comment about it while reading this post.  Yes that's right.. I'm right outside your window.. waiting... keep that brain warm for me...